release

VortexF1-1759x1280

i nestle …

in the softest airy hollows

..

i float …

along silken sheets of silence

spilling from the sky

free falling layer upon layer

upon layer

upon

layer

collecting in perfect barefoot worthy puddles

©jmr 03.10.16


i did not stay

joy-and-sorrow12i was almost too bright

to look at

directly

 

i know now…

how hard it must have been

for you to see

the shine

 

because you were there

when every thing

was

black

 

you were there

when my corners were sharpest

when my anger was loudest

 

when

my hatred

was thick

like smoke

swirling in my lungs

 

choking the light

out of me

 

it poured all around us both

and everything else

became irrelevant

 

my joy

was too much

to fathom

 

the sweetness in my hopeful voice

probably sounded

false

to you

 

because you were there

when I had

no hope

 

when the weight of the world

was so heavy

i could not bear

another moment

of the darkness

 

i went down with you

i believed

i should have remained

 

there

 

but i did

not

stay

 

©jmr 01.01.16


relationships 2.0

IMG_20151123_001611

© jmr 2015


expectation

black

the high is gone and now

i’m left behind… but i’m not sure what that means

i care too much about what others want

 

leaves me nothing

but insipid momentum

 

you watch me as i navigate

to the very top

and then

the deepest depths

 

with fierce consistency

 

and still

 

you think somehow i’ll emerge..

strong

somehow i’ll pull myself back up

with full upper body strength

one day i’ll smile a lasting smile

without that darkness behind it

 

that has become

all too familiar.

©jmr / 12.16.15

 


your mess is…

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you meet me in sunset drenched fields

holding your arms open while i make my way to rest within them

.

and you wait

.

sometimes longer than the time it takes for the moon to change from sliver to full and back again

a hundred times

to kiss me in the deepest places

where my truth is too buried to reveal any other way

than in your wordless embrace

.

you meet me in the middle of rushing rivers

where you’ve climbed over slippery rocks to find your footing

.

and you wait

.

to show me everything

i already know

reflecting my own beauty back to me

in pools of blue

.

image and content © jmr 08.03.15


and really… haven’t you always been here? (for don II)

infinitysign-l-d647da61b86f3e52

there is a thread that runs between us

forever binding us together

throughout time and space in

love

loss

life

death

heartache

survival

accomplishment

failure…

woven intricately

intersecting over and

over and

over

in hindsight

it’s a miracle

it took this long

in hindsight

it’s a miracle.

nothing is for nothing.

© jmr/2005


no net

couple-dance

so…

miss “everyone lets me down”

you see what you have

and your eyes are wide open

you’re still trying to make it into

something else

but…

you know the truth

…don’t you?

how many ways must you turn it around

examine all sides

before you believe

what there is

no disputing

you’re in love

dancing in the kitchen

giggling like a school girl

beaming like the sun

falling backward with your eyes closed

you know there is no net

you know

you.don’t.need.one.

© jmr 05.19.15


for don

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every time we’re together

i consciously let go just a little

bit more

.
show you

the pieces of me

that should make you

walk away

.

i watch your face for reaction

but the only one

is love

shining so brightly in your

crystal blue eyes

that i almost can’t look into them

and believe

that shine is for me.

image and content © jmr 05.02.15


anew

ImageJ=1.43u

this town is the same

people scurrying around

marking errands off a list

i used to join them in their bustle

losing myself in busy

but now…

i stand to the side and watch the world move around me

the wind is the same

blowing my hair in my eyes

i used to tuck the loose ends

behind my ears

over and over again

but now…

i shake my head and let it flow wild

the songs are the same

reminding me of him or that

i used to listen to the melody

disappear into the darkness

of my mind

but now…

i hear what the artist meant to say

my eyes are the same

staring back at me in the mirror

i used to study myself

from the outside

considering myself like a stranger

but now…

there is a softness that exudes the purest innocence and love

destructive habits are the same

calling out to me in times

of doubt and growth

to follow them into what’s familiar

but now…

i examine, taste, spit out and move forward with my soul lifted to the heavens – receiving the peace that has replaced the chaos

nothing is the same

as it was

before

(c) jmr 05.01.15


don’t go back to sleep

499a336ff5750f620420340c280e48dc

the door of truth has been unlocked

slammed

wide

open

against the barriers of lies i used to tell myself

running full speed toward light

and the unknown

that i know

like the back of my hand

i

am

home

nothing is really unknown

it’s just waiting

to be

drowned in

beckoning as softly as it

always has

but now…

i hear the thunder

loud and full of bass

pounding against my breastplate

strengthening me from the

inside

out

i

am

that

roar

i am the earth’s rumble

the echos through the canyons

i am everything there is

and everything

is

me

(c) jmr 04.29.15


responsibility

images

now your eyes

see

fields and fields

and

fields

thorn and thistle laden

greenery

tangled and twisted

choking

in weeds

what seeds will you plant

there

© jmr 04.29.15


awakening

awake1

“i need a sunburn” – counting crows

you know what you need.

the very clearest, see through truth

no matter where you are in lifetimes, growth, level of spirituality, awareness or just general consciousness.

the truth is always. always. always.

a  l  w  a  y  s

known.

in the voice only you hear

the language only you understand

you receive glimpses of it, whether you recognize it or not, seek it or not, see it or not.

  a dream you had last night

  instant peace when taking a step down a path

  immediate recognition of a person, place, situation, emotion, connection…

it’s why you feel safe with a stranger,

it’s why you awaken with excitement, expectation and relief before you remember why you should not be exuberant

it’s why you feel the need to seek – fiercely or gently

it’s why 1111 is always the time

it’s why the same song keeps playing across pandora stations, in the car, hummed by a stranger in the elevator

and here is the best part.

it is always there

the only real constant there is.

whether you choose to acknowledge it or not

guess what…

still there.

but…

what if you acknowledge it?

examine it with both hands

really see it

really touch it

move it to the focal point

weave it with intention into the fabric of your being….

do you know what happens then?

absolute.

fucking.

magic.

the universe opens up………………     w   i   d   e

eyes see

forgiveness of self for all imperfections… just happens

and your glow…

it will EXPLODE in your eyes

and suddenly

the door opens

and everything floods in

and everything

changes.

©jmr | 04.20.15


conflicted

conflicted

surrounded by a crowd of people

i am the one

interacting on the outside

analyzing on the inside

watching, observing, learning,

judging

making decisions about

trust(worthiness)

investment(worthiness)

on the outside

i exude effervescence

beauty

light

on the inside,

isn’t my truest heart

exactly the opposite?

© jmr 03.2015


enough.

20140317005645ae0

dearest heart of mine,

years have passed

life has continued

beginnings have ended

and here you are

still tangled in your victim.web

you still believe you are

hate.fear.anger.pain.

i let you do it your way

ego.indulgent,

self.absorbed

long enough.

now… listen

 it doesn’t matter who

why

or how long

do you want to live this way?

©jmr | 01.10.15


webs

alone

even as i write these words
i judge women like me
holding onto something
that will never be their own

but here i am

pining.hoping.wishing.

this is the last holiday i won’t be with you
(but it isn’t)
this is the last day i’ll wait to hear the words
(you won’t ever say)
this is the last moment you’ll be indifferent
(but i can’t make you love me)

maybe i only know how to live tangled up in the conflict

(c) jmr 02.22.15


patchouli

This afternoon on my subway commute I noticed a couple, in their mid twenties – she was beautiful in an ethereal, slightly gothic, huge turquoise blue pools of Caribbean ocean water eyes, fair rosy cheeked with a sprinkling of freckles across her nose kind of way – her hair was wild, curly and unkempt, dark brown; she wore knee long black leather flat heeled boots with buckles up each side, skinny black jeans, a hip length corduroy blazer, chic red retro eyeglasses that kept slipping to the tip of her nose, then back in place, and I’m fairly certain she smelled of patchouli.

I wasn’t close enough to know for sure, but I could just tell

He was a startling contrast – about thirty pounds overweight, long brown curly hair pushed behind his ears to keep the unwashed strands off his swollen face, pasty white hairless thick non muscular calves peeking out from the bottom of his off white cargo shorts… black t-shirt with some nondescript band name emblazoned across the front, the neckband stretched out from being worn too much…

But the contrast ended there.

They both wore thick platinum wedding bands on their left hands, and their interaction was of two brand new lovers, freshly pressed newlyweds who had only moments before stepped out of his cousin’s 1983 silver Honda civic (complete with soda cans tied to strings on the back bumper and “just married” in white spray paint all over the windows)…

Yet there was something “old” about the newness of their love…

The way he had his hands tangled in her hair and the way she nuzzled up to him without complaining about his hands being tangled in her hair… the way their arms were intertwined as they sat side by side, like they were trying in every way possible to get closer to each other, inside of each other…

The way she looked up at him as he spoke to her, how their laughter, as though on cue, rose and fell together, ending in a longing look into each other’s eyes, her right hand tracing the contours of his chin …

The way he spontaneously wrapped her up into his arms and held her tightly to him…

I found myself watching but trying not to be caught watching…

All buttoned up in my black wool pea coat and sensible shoes, laptop bag at my feet, keys and wallet in hand, my eyes welling up with tears that refused to fall…

And I wondered…

Where was my love like that.

Where was my longing look,

my I love everything about you

my you’re so difficult, so complicated, so easy to get along with, so perfect, i-would-do-anything-to-get-closer-to-you-even-after-you-let-me-all-the-way-in

love like that

 

© jmr / 2010


with awkward hands

you were there
you were never there

i tried to find the love
you never gave
in the eyes of a stranger
in sweet lies whispered in the dark

i was good
i was never good enough

so many wasted years
defying your
lack of approval
reconciling my sense of self worth

filling my life with people
and things
and noise

but

in the end
all i had
was nothing more
than castles
built with awkward hands
at the edge of the sea

© jmr/2009


shifting sand

the rise and fall
of contradicting
waves
erodes the shoreline

returning grains
to replace some
of those
carried away

but
it’s never the same
as before

© jmr/2009


use your wings

in the midst of this

tragedy

my

darkest

moment

the one thing i never

thought you would

ever

have to face

somehow i find clarity

fierce will and determination

to show you how

to

turn your life around

in an instant

a heartbeat

all my efforts to protect you

from the unspeakable

were in vain

failed attempts

i see

now

that my instincts are stronger

than i ever thought

they were

i should have pushed you harder

i should have asked you

just one more time

i should have trusted

my

gut

implicitly

and lifted you out

of the hell

that has been

as long as you

can

remember

you don’t have to hide

anymore

and i promise

you will never

ever

have to hide

again

your life has changed

overnight

and now

you

are

free

it occurs to me

that i

am

no

longer

afraid

ashamed

broken

i never had any reason to be

i didn’t even know i’d healed

until i had to be your

strength

now

i’m going to show you

how

to

use

your

wings

© jmr / 2008


…in case i ever met anyone like you

I had confidence then

I would sit and write until the words fit just so

And then I’d rewrite it in ink and bring it to you

Sometimes flat and perfect; absent of crease or wrinkle

Sometimes folded in quarters and tucked inside

A card I bought three years ago

In case I ever met anyone

Like you

© jmr / 2005


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