replaces the truth
with subtle lighting
and soft music
jmr
Category Archives: loss
distant memory
The years pass by so quickly
I look behind me and realize yesterday
Is no more than a distant memory
Another wasted chance
Another missed opportunity
Don’t try to understand me
Because you never could
Don’t try to take anything more from me
I’m running out of things to give
And you’re only here because you think you should
Be a man
The way you think a man should be
You don’t give a shit about me
I’m a symbol, a resolution
To your emptiness
You have no direction
And I’ve almost got nothing left
Don’t feel sorry for me
Because I don’t
Don’t sympathize with me
Because I won’t
Accept your pity
This will only make me stronger
I want something more to hold onto
Something I can sink my teeth into
Someone whose depth inspires me
And that someone isn’t you
Don’t try to love me
Because you don’t
Don’t try to take anything more from me
I’m running out of things to give
And you’re only here because you think you should
Be a friend
The way you think a friend should be
You don’t give a shit about me
I’m a symbol, a resolution
To your emptiness
You have no direction
And I’ve almost got nothing left
© jmr / 2008
file this under l for “loss”; subtitled c for “can’t let go”
i am doused in restlessness
frustrated
at ‘theblock’ (damn the block!!!)
preventing
[my much taken for granted
normally comes so easily
.the.only.thing.i.truly.call.my.own.
that thing
that
saturates everything i am]
gift
curse
ability
to take chaos
and make order of it
translating my soul
into words
i know you’ll read
eventually
even though you’ll do it
under the guise of stealth
and never tell me so
this time…
i have not…
the energy
will
…
i guess i’m missing
the full body embrace
of acceptance
around the truth
i quite literally feel
as though
my heart will cave in
if i don’t say it
and so,
ugly and raw
here it is…
back to basics
without
elegance
or refinement:
i love you
still.
morethanieverknew.
waymorethanishould
more than you deserve
even on a good day
and i promise you
i cannot tell you why
i don’t understand it myself
but i can’t let go…
i breathe you in
like i am pressing an unwashed
plain white v neck tshirt
soaked with your scent
to my face
all day long
i can’t shake it
i.dream.you
without recollection of the particulars
and wake drenched
with sweat
this incredible sense of loss
when i wake enough to realize
you are not here/there
that hazy not quite reality state
even within that
ifeelyou…gone
i can’t close my eyes
without seeing you
can’t touch skin to skin
without longing for you
can’t keep going on this way
and yet…
i.can’t.hate.you
you.are.a.part.of.me
i promise you
i cannot tell you why
i don’t understand it myself
but i can’t let go…
©jmr/2010
equality
You’re not good enough for me.
Not the vulnerable “you’re not good enough for me” where I need someone to agree
Not the vindictive “you’re not good enough for me” where I’m trying to hurt you
Not the anthem “you’re not good enough for me” where I’m declaring my woman-worth
In the insecure in-between where I don’t yet believe it myself
But the truth I’ve always known in the back of my mind
I tried to ignore it
I hoped I was wrong
That it was because I was scared
Because I needed to learn how to trust
That I had too many past hurts
Causing me to color outside the lines
Of what was real
You’ve always known it, too
Looking back, I can see it crystal clear
Your discomfort whenever I got too close
To exposing your lack of confidence
To illuminating your imbalance
Simply by being myself
I gave, you took
I loved, you absorbed
I spread my wings, you did everything you could to clip them
You needed me so much more than I needed you
I was solid, you stood on sinking sand
© jmr/2009
what really is…
i opened my world to you
it was a bit reckless
to take it all at face value
i feel a bit foolish
now that i see
what really is
maybe i wanted
too desperately
to believe
in magic
© jmr / 2009
5… no, 6
i let you in
all the way
past all the walls
no one ever gets over
in the first five minutes
a whirlwind of
yes, me too, too much to be coincidence,
i can’t believe I found you
hips.lips.skin.souls.melting.together
resurrection of childhood dreams
of forever after
knights on white steeds
castles and slippers
long ago discarded
one month, two months, five months
i stand corrected;
six months
later
it all came crashing down
the time in between
should have softened desire
to be so close to you
to be so close to me
but that never happened
your call…
we travelled together
through a myriad of emotion
how did we get from
then
to
there
and now
to here
suddenly
you are human
no longer held up higher
than i could ever hope to reach
© jmr/2009
my inability to let go
now that you’re gone
my words feel shallow
inadequate
my emotions are measured
my body is exhausted
you have moved on
so easily
and I am still here
feeling the same feelings
storing your things
as if you are coming back one day
disgusted at my inability
to let go
© 2009/jmr
you’re an open book
please love me
and if you can’t
with your whole heart
with everything inside of you
then please
don’t try
i can feel it when you
only
have one foot in
the door
i’m finding it harder
to hang on by this thread
wishing for the day
when i see the depth of my emotion
reflected in your eyes
please desire me
and if you can’t
with your whole heart
with everything inside of you
then please
don’t try
i can feel it
when you are trying to make up
for lost time
by pretending
don’t keep me
holding
on
til you decide
there is no one
out there
better suited
for you
you either do
or you don’t
you will
or you won’t
decide
© jmr/2009
with awkward hands
you were there
you were never there
i tried to find the love
you never gave
in the eyes of a stranger
in sweet lies whispered in the dark
i was good
i was never good enough
so many wasted years
defying your
lack of approval
reconciling my sense of self worth
filling my life with people
and things
and noise
but
in the end
all i had
was nothing more
than castles
built with awkward hands
at the edge of the sea
© jmr/2009
in between the weekends (and the lines)
it’s always
threeo’clockinthemorning
i’m always
waiting
for you
to feel
like
i matter
when
candles
don’t dance
wine
doesn’t
flow
chores
are mundane
the
weather
unspectacular
the commute
just like
any other
day
© jmr/2009
selfloathingneverhelped…anyone
will I always be the girl
viewed by others
as having no self respect
giving it away for free
while other girls get
white picket fences
and big diamond rings
perhaps it’s rooted in insecurity
things that aren’t my fault
perhaps it’s just as much for me
as for those i let
steal my heart
but
excuses
don’t make it easier
to swallow
when does my fairy tale
come true?
© jmr / 2009
all over again
the weight of your body
the taste of your tongue
i am alive
radiant
my heart… so full
my emotions… so exposed
i would give anything
to lie in your arms
forever
every time i leave you
my heart is broken
all over again
© jmr/2009
too late
you are not the man i thought you were
and maybe you were never the man
i fell in love with
maybe you were never the man
i thought i gave my heart to
gave my dreams up for
my strength and independence were among the things about me you loved
the most
and what you wanted to prevent me from having to be all the time
because it’s exhausting having to always be
(strong and independent)
and yet
my strength and independence were the two compliments
remaining on your tongue
when you left
when you explained why i would be just fine
when you tried to make yourself feel better
leaving me
in this big house
with this big car
and this big hole in my heart
strong and independent…
i found myself drifting away slowly from who i used to be
and i never thought that would happen
not with you in my life
the one who celebrated everything about us
how we connected
how easily we fit
suddenly you became a stranger
and i became afraid
to tell you
what i was observing
how i was feeling
you actually made me think maybe… just maybe… it was me
truth is
and this is unfortunate
but
you don’t know who you are
you don’t know what you want
you don’t see what you have
right in front of you
you’re willing to throw it all away
to find that out
years from now
when it’s too late
to undo
what you’ve done
© jmr / 2009
physical representation of my own critique
I knew exactly what I would say; do
How I would tilt my head while I listened
When I would bite my tongue
To stop the tears
Press my fingernails into my palms
Resist with everything I have
Then I opened the door
Stepped out into the bitter air
And choked on all the emotion
Thick in my lungs
I knew exactly what I would wear; think
How I would twist around in my chair
Trying not to feel awkward
Trying to recapture how free you used to make me feel
Just for a moment
Then I remembered
I was sidetracked
Disallowed to pay attention
To the truth
By my own sensibilities
Disemboweled by my own critique
Parallels coming from your lips, but rooted in my own heart
© jmr / 2009
bite sized pieces
i want more, want it all
everything i can touch
everything i can feel
everything intangible
top to bottom
inside out
no beginning no end
my passion runs deep
you cannot see me
you try
but
i’m a step beyond your grasp
a level above, below, behind
anything you can understand
it’s intentional, you know
you try to read my expression
but that’s not where i hide
you’re too one dimensional
to even begin to imagine
you think you want me
but
you can’t pick and choose
mold me into perfect
bite size pieces
my mystery runs deep
there are some things i will never be
norman rockwell didn’t raise me
i think your ideas are so…
without depth
uninspired
you want me to don white gloves
and be a lady
it’s almost comical
i will never be
just like you
© jmr / 2008
moving boxes for tables
Breezy warm evening
The stars reach down
Seem to gently brush lips against my eyelids
[like you used to]
I wish I could feel what it felt like to feel you
Again
But this moment, if I close my eyes,
Almost feels like when you were here
[come back home]
How did we lose
How did we forget
The love
The laughter
How did those we love
Come between us
Make us get lost in the details
Of what we should do and how we should do
We tried so hard
To be doing the right things
Feeling the right things
Being the right things
I remember all the doors and windows open
Drinking jack and coke and smoking cigarettes
Dreaming together of things that seemed so far away
From having nothing but moving boxes to eat dinner on
And here we are now
With so many things
And the very core of what we had then
Hanging in the balance of uncertainty
How did we lose
How did we forget
The love
The laughter
How did those we love
Come between us
Make us get lost in the details
Of what we should do and how we should do
We tried so hard
To be doing the right things
Feeling the right things
Being the right things
I love you…
I feel you…
I close my eyes and I can’t see where you begin where I end
We used to dance to the same music
It’s too late
But I know we still hear it
Through the paper thin walls of our hearts
jmr/2005
this is me…
And like it or not
I don’t plan on rearranging
Everything
Again
To accommodate you
Though I love you
And crave your presence
I’ve too much to lose
To tear everything down
And rebuild
Around you
It makes us both ugly anyway
jmr/2005
all [we] are not
My anger has subsided
And now
I simply see you
For all you are
And all you are not
Without emotion
My gaze wanders over
Your features
As I wonder
What I used to see
There
That softened my heart
Stirred my libido
You are speaking
About work
About family
About something
About nothing
I pretend to hear you
Your eyes still sparkle
Your smile, still engaging
Your laughter, still infectious
Your skin tanned
You look healthy
You look happy
But I know you
To me, you are empty
You are soulless
You are someone who
I used to love
And I don’t love you anymore
You used to be able
To change my mood with a glance
Affect my attitude with yours
Blend all that was me
Like finger paints
Swirling the colors all around
Til I couldn’t recognize
Myself
I’m solid now
I can bend
But not to the will
Of anyone
But myself
And that, perhaps
Is the most intriguing thing
I am aware of
As I sit here with you
Tonight
jmr/2005
i am not your mother
I am not your mother
It is not my role to be the caretaker, filling the void left open and bleeding when you left her home and fell into mine
My world was big enough to include your presence
My heart just naïve enough to accept everything you told me you were after the walls we both put up in the beginning
But
My instincts to provide a safe and warm haven from the cruel reality of the world do not include figuratively cleaning up after you and making order of your chaos
I have chaos of my own
I let you overcome my sense of freedom and independence with flowery words and tender touches place directly on my bare soul
I let you become the center and you;
Your job became being the center of me
You are not my father
It is not your role to be the daddy I never knew, filling the void left open and bleeding
when every man I ever cared about disappointed me and let me down
I do not have the energy to attempt
Vicariously through you
To be the perfect and totally adored woman you always dreamed of
I do not have a spirit strong enough
To carry my memories
My shame
And you
-
talk to me
