evolution

Growing, changing, learning, evolving
Body, mind and soul merging
Into one

All that I’ve been, all that I am
Pieces that fit together perfectly

Don’t need to struggle to find
I already am who I am supposed to be
Strong, capable, empowered, healthy
Blessed and thankful

The world around me is beautiful
What I see, what I hear, smells, sensations, tastes
Taking in everything
Observing all

Preserving myself
Solid, vulnerable, open, unbreakable
I have everything I need
I love everything I am

In my reality I find peace

Everything I’ve been searching for

Is already within me.

jmr/2005

nature is my muse…

I arrive at my best conclusions when I’m hiking. Stories I’d like to write, things I’d like to try to learn… what I should have said, what I don’t regret, and what’s not too late to turn around.

Nature is my muse.

It’s not any particular season, scenery that I favor, or topographical challenge specifically. It’s all of those – independent of one another. It’s the fact that any one, if not combined with its counterparts would not work. The flavor would not be as rich – the physical impact on my body not as strenuous – the visual symphony not as awe inspiring – the experience not as memorable.

It is…

when my mind is racing and a lizard races across the path in front of me, stopping me in my tracks; that i am filled with wonder at a tiny living creature capable of halting my gait by just being…

when I am struggling to conquer an incline, my calf muscles burning, my entire body and intent focused only on finishing without stopping; that i am filled with a flood of accomplishment emotion at the top

when I realize how very small I am, in relation to the earth around me, that I feel humility and passion to protect all that is given to us without having to ask

when I press forward through the rain, dressed in inadequate gear for the weather, rain pelting my cheeks, wet clothes stuck to my body; that I feel human…

vulnerable

real

alive

And in between the influences on all five senses, I think…
I imagine…
Sometimes even embark upon the elusive sixth sense.

drowning

silence is deafening
i keep my hands busy to quiet my soul

when my hands are tired

i’m reminded of all i have lost
all i have failed to hold on to
all the dreams that are no longer attainable
lost years

i know how very far i’ve come
but
with the lifetime of steps i’ve taken backward in the process
i wonder where i would have been
by now
if only…

i find i am too exhausted to feel
to think things through
i cannot seem
to keep up
with my own changing tide

it is not desperation
i am not at the end of my rope
i simply cannot grasp
the will within
and use it
to push me forward

it is not regret -
though
i have hurt others
crushed hearts
smashed spirited excitement between my harsh hands
i am not evil

it is not submission -
though
i have put myself last
many times
put the needs of others far ahead of my own
i am not weak

it is not fear -
though
i have been afraid
i know the difference
between not being able to move
and
not being able to breathe

i have not given up
but i have so very little left to give

i am lost
twisted between the state of wake and sleep
can’t tell which one is real
edges blurred
within the labyrinth of my mind

swimming in a sea of endless horizon
i am drowning in my ocean
land is not in sight
but
i know it’s there
i know it’s there

©2008/jmr

reborn

i realized today
that

i am no longer afraid

no longer
cowering

beneath the shadows
of the past

no longer accepting
of my self prescribed
limitations

at last
i am free

my own light
shines so brightly
even i have a hard time
staring too long

even strangers can see it

(i feel like i can do anything now)

for the first time

i am letting the fire BURN
my hands no longer shield
the flame from the wind

it’s more than feeling
like i just woke up

(what have i been doing all this time?)

and opened my eyes
all the way
stared into the future
and saw PROMISE

i am falling in love
with the person i was
born to be
the one i’ve suspected
i was all along

at last
i am free

© jmr / 2009

paralyzed

I find myself paralyzed
By my lack of trying

Submissive to my fear

Selfish in the over-analysis
Of my limitations

I am aware that I own only what holds me back

I am aware of my refusal
To embrace my intention

Stretch into my skin
And serve my purpose

© jmr / 2009

use your wings

in the midst of this

tragedy

my

darkest

moment

the one thing i never

thought you would

ever

have to face

 

somehow i find clarity

fierce will and determination

to show you how

to

turn your life around

in an instant

a heartbeat

 

all my efforts to protect you

from the unspeakable

were in vain

failed attempts

 

i see

now

that my instincts are stronger

than i ever thought

they were

 

i should have pushed you harder

i should have asked you

just one more time

i should have trusted

my

gut

implicitly

and lifted you out

of the hell

that has been

as long as you

can

remember

 

you don’t have to hide

anymore

and i promise

you will never

ever

have to hide

again

 

your life has changed

overnight

and now

you

are

free

 

it occurs to me

that i

am

no

longer

afraid

ashamed

broken

 

i never had any reason to be

 

i didn’t even know i’d healed

until i had to be your

strength

 

now

i’m going to show you

how

to

use

your

wings

 

© jmr / 2008

downpour

It’s like the heavens split and

The truth poured out upon my

Raised face ;

Uplifted to feel the mist of

Honesty

On my open lips and my closed

Eyelids

 

Hard to believe, now, that I’m

Still soaked through my clothes

To my skin

With the after effects

Of the savage downpour

That washed away

Everything I ever held as real and right and true

 

That I walked the earth so long

Sheltered and cowering

Beneath the umbrella

Of my fear

 

Now, life begins

 

Now.

 

So much to look forward

To breathe in

To taste

 

Now.

 

I run through the puddles

And slip on shaky newborn doe legs

 

And dance

 

In the light

In the dark

 

In all that is

 

Now.

 

© jmr / 2008

daily affirmation

I will no longer blindly allow my self worth to be directed to me by another person.

I will listen more.

I will hear what is being said but that doesn’t mean I have to make it my own.

I will hear the words rather than search between the lines for the truth.

I will make a choice to feel how I feel; I will not let someone else make those choices for me.

I will listen to the experiences of others.

I will empathize and I will learn all I can from their own lessons rather than insisting on learning everything on my own

I will be open.

I will be a person people can lean on.
I will be a person people can run to.
I will be a person who surrounds myself with quality people.

I will find the substance and integrity in each person I interact with.
I will take risks.

I will allow myself to trust.

I will love.

I will let myself be loved.

I will accept compliments.

I will not let [this] experience destroy me.
I will find peace and joy.
I will give both of those to others.

I will be the one person who others want to share their truest heart with.

I will try to understand and if I do not I will ask questions.
I will not jump to conclusions.

If I wonder I will ask even if it makes me vulnerable to the truth I want to know and am also afraid to see.

I will not destroy myself, my relationships, my friendships.
I will not opt for the easy way out.

I will tell the truth but never with the intention to harm another person.

I will not force what does not fit.

I will trust my gut instinct.

I will succeed and I will fail.
When I fail I will apologize to whom I hurt even if it is myself.

I will get back up.

Sometimes it will take me longer than others but I will not let pity overtake my good sense.

I will give to others what I wish to receive.
I will take good care of myself.

I will put others needs at a higher priority but I will no longer allow another’s needs to either become or negate mine.

I will be lovable.
I will be myself.
I will have fun.
I will enjoy life.

I will remember that life is so short and can be over in the blink of an eye.

I will be solid.

These gifts I will give to myself, to my son, to others.
I will read this every day.
I will continually improve myself, my plan, my relationships.

My goals will be met.

I will make it happen.
I will still hope for my Prince Charming but I will live my life in

The meantime.

I know only I can make my life what it needs to be in order for me to
be happy and fulfilled.

I will not judge.
I will not pre-judge.
I will not hold grudges.

All of this just for today. One day at a time.
I will not hold onto failure.
I will feel my pain – not drown it and cover it and hide it.

I will allow myself to miss people.
I will allow myself the pleasure of being happy.
I will learn to like to be alone.
I will treasure every moment.
I will treasure the gifts I have been given.
I will treasure my life and my family.

I will not hurt myself to please someone else.
I will not give up.

jmr/2005