aretha franklin – never loved a man
you spent
10 years wishing i would notice you
8 weeks breaking down my resolve
6 months telling me beautiful lies
4 minutes breaking my heart
i spent
2 years not seeing
there was nothing
to believe in
© jmr/2012
Category Archives: lessons
if you don’t believe me
to my now self re my ten years from now self
just make sure what you get
is worth what you give
up
in exchange
you’re the only one
you’ll answer to
when too many years to go back
go by
you’ll be left with the same truth
that is now
if you don’t believe me
lie to yourself
some more
and see what happens.
chapters
i used to like my coffee sweet and cool, cream and sugar please… these days i like it black and raw. no more covering the taste with other flavors to trick myself into believing i’m doing something else.
maybe it started with the reflection in the mirror, one day waking up and realizing that i wasn’t only embarking on the other side of the years i had left, but that i had careened, blazed, feet first onto that path and i’d been there for years already. without ever appreciating my youth and vitality… lineless eyes and even toned skin… dreams that seemed to still be within reach as soon as i got my shit together… the luxury of time was spent like a $20 bill found in the pocket of a coat i had not worn in months… fast and foolishly and without regard to the day when i might need some loose change.
the “someday maybes” dissapated more quickly than i accumulated them… overnight it seems… and now, i’m faced only with my broken heart. my truth. and myself.
illusions
You say you’ve changed
You have grown
Rehabilitated from your addiction
To breaking down
A Strong Woman
I beg to differ
You sound different
I’ll give you that
Your tone is sweet
You seem to be listening
You’re rolling your eyes
On the inside
Now
Aren’t you
How hard do you have to
Work at the illusion
How difficult is it
To remember
Where you left off
What you last said
A fresh coat of paint
Only temporarily covers
The surface
© jmr / 2007
dig.deep
Dig down as deep as you can reach
Please
Try
For me
Is there anything there that you
Want
To
Share
Staring off into space can’t be
The best
That you
Can do
Try some honesty
What
Are
You
So
Afraid
Of
You’re trying so hard to hide
But you
Don’t
Realize
I see through you
jmr/2010
my own prison
Just when I’m feeling strong
And capable
Of accomplishing anything
That I desire
It never fails
It’s like you
Dwell
Inside my mind
And heart
And you know
When I am the most
Vulnerable
Just the thought of you
And I begin
To digress
Regress
Become insecure
Self destruct
I know
You do not define me
I know
There was no light
There was no hope
There was nothing
Healthy
About us
Logically, I can see
All the reasons why
Not
With incredible clarity
Yet
I find myself
Reaching inside
Striving to be
Your idea
Of perfection
I wonder if you
Gave me
Some kind of validation
Would anything
Change
Would I finally be at peace
Would I realize my worth
And not be swayed
Any longer
By the invisible hold
You have
On me
I don’t understand
Why
With all of this “growth”
I’ve gone through
Why
I would continue
To be affected
Why I would continue to feel love
Why I would continue to feel that
I fall just short
Of being
Just right
I’ve broken the chains
But they’re still
Wrapped
All around me
The irony
Is that
I know
All I have to do is
walk away
And I’ll be free
© jmr / 2008
file this under l for “loss”; subtitled c for “can’t let go”
i am doused in restlessness
frustrated
at ‘theblock’ (damn the block!!!)
preventing
[my much taken for granted
normally comes so easily
.the.only.thing.i.truly.call.my.own.
that thing
that
saturates everything i am]
gift
curse
ability
to take chaos
and make order of it
translating my soul
into words
i know you’ll read
eventually
even though you’ll do it
under the guise of stealth
and never tell me so
this time…
i have not…
the energy
will
…
i guess i’m missing
the full body embrace
of acceptance
around the truth
i quite literally feel
as though
my heart will cave in
if i don’t say it
and so,
ugly and raw
here it is…
back to basics
without
elegance
or refinement:
i love you
still.
morethanieverknew.
waymorethanishould
more than you deserve
even on a good day
and i promise you
i cannot tell you why
i don’t understand it myself
but i can’t let go…
i breathe you in
like i am pressing an unwashed
plain white v neck tshirt
soaked with your scent
to my face
all day long
i can’t shake it
i.dream.you
without recollection of the particulars
and wake drenched
with sweat
this incredible sense of loss
when i wake enough to realize
you are not here/there
that hazy not quite reality state
even within that
ifeelyou…gone
i can’t close my eyes
without seeing you
can’t touch skin to skin
without longing for you
can’t keep going on this way
and yet…
i.can’t.hate.you
you.are.a.part.of.me
i promise you
i cannot tell you why
i don’t understand it myself
but i can’t let go…
©jmr/2010
the better answers
you fell in love with an idea
of who you thought
i was
who you thought
i could be
what you thought
i could offer
light blazing through
your dark
joy slicing through
your pain
maybe your ideas
were all real
maybe i am
the answer
to all your
questions
but maybe
the better answers
already lie within
your own heart
©jmr/2009
it is what it is (and was what it was)
it’s beautiful, to me
knowing i have been so high
and so low
and having my craft
to show for it
in chronological order
sometimes i think
about how so much has changed
what i once thought was everything
really wasn’t
anything
more than a whisper
of truth
lately, i’ve been toying
with the idea of
re-evaluating
everything
revising it
to match my current
reality
but
there are no rewrites
that could ever replace
the shine
of clearly defined
evolution
so
i will leave what was
as it is
and look forward, without shame
obligation or explanation
to the next chapter
©jmr/2009
5… no, 6
i let you in
all the way
past all the walls
no one ever gets over
in the first five minutes
a whirlwind of
yes, me too, too much to be coincidence,
i can’t believe I found you
hips.lips.skin.souls.melting.together
resurrection of childhood dreams
of forever after
knights on white steeds
castles and slippers
long ago discarded
one month, two months, five months
i stand corrected;
six months
later
it all came crashing down
the time in between
should have softened desire
to be so close to you
to be so close to me
but that never happened
your call…
we travelled together
through a myriad of emotion
how did we get from
then
to
there
and now
to here
suddenly
you are human
no longer held up higher
than i could ever hope to reach
© jmr/2009
my inability to let go
now that you’re gone
my words feel shallow
inadequate
my emotions are measured
my body is exhausted
you have moved on
so easily
and I am still here
feeling the same feelings
storing your things
as if you are coming back one day
disgusted at my inability
to let go
© 2009/jmr
with awkward hands
you were there
you were never there
i tried to find the love
you never gave
in the eyes of a stranger
in sweet lies whispered in the dark
i was good
i was never good enough
so many wasted years
defying your
lack of approval
reconciling my sense of self worth
filling my life with people
and things
and noise
but
in the end
all i had
was nothing more
than castles
built with awkward hands
at the edge of the sea
© jmr/2009
drowning
silence is deafening
i keep my hands busy to quiet my soul
when my hands are tired
i’m reminded of all i have lost
all i have failed to hold on to
all the dreams that are no longer attainable
lost years
i know how very far i’ve come
but
with the lifetime of steps i’ve taken backward in the process
i wonder where i would have been
by now
if only…
i find i am too exhausted to feel
to think things through
i cannot seem
to keep up
with my own changing tide
it is not desperation
i am not at the end of my rope
i simply cannot grasp
the will within
and use it
to push me forward
it is not regret -
though
i have hurt others
crushed hearts
smashed spirited excitement between my harsh hands
i am not evil
it is not submission -
though
i have put myself last
many times
put the needs of others far ahead of my own
i am not weak
it is not fear -
though
i have been afraid
i know the difference
between not being able to move
and
not being able to breathe
i have not given up
but i have so very little left to give
i am lost
twisted between the state of wake and sleep
can’t tell which one is real
edges blurred
within the labyrinth of my mind
swimming in a sea of endless horizon
i am drowning in my ocean
land is not in sight
but
i know it’s there
i know it’s there
©2008/jmr
shifting sand
the rise and fall
of contradicting
waves
erodes the shoreline
returning grains
to replace some
of those
carried away
but
it’s never the same
as before
© jmr/2009
in between the weekends (and the lines)
it’s always
threeo’clockinthemorning
i’m always
waiting
for you
to feel
like
i matter
when
candles
don’t dance
wine
doesn’t
flow
chores
are mundane
the
weather
unspectacular
the commute
just like
any other
day
© jmr/2009
managing the balance
we’ve begun to settle
into casual routine
the phone rings
at same time every day
it’s almost like “we” are
an afterthought
or compartmentalized
outside of our
normal lives
we certainly
haven’t lost passion
it still teases
beneath the everyday
eyes meeting across the room
speaking without words
locking hands and
running to the back of the house
like teenagers
who can’t get enough
i love the way
it’s a given
that we’re together
officially a couple
making future plans
i know things will change
when we’re under one roof
and aren’t limited
to rekindling the connection
on weekends
but for now…
i miss the duality
of comfort and
delicious
spontaneity
days when you would
throw me on the back of your bike
speed me through
mountain roads
feed me strawberries and wine
stop to take in
sunlit fields
tucked away bars
and candy shops
no regard for time
weather
or responsibility
could you
pursue me again…
just a little
shake things up
hand me some wildflowers
once in a while
call without me knowing
you’re going to
show me you still
are on fire for me
keep what made
us
us
in the first place
alive
© jmr/2009
stairways to nowhere
when it’s quiet
and i’m alone
i see
as much as it hurts
i know in my heart
what is real
what is right
climbing stairways
to nowhere
has never
served me well
i keep thinking
thistimenexttime
convincing myself
it will fit if i make my approach
from another angle
i keep expecting the result
to be different
but i know
the truth is right in front of me
it always has been
© jmr/2009
night vs day
what just happened?
last night i felt like a woman
safe in your arms
confident in your love
today i am like a child
made to feel shame
for being a woman
with a voice
for needing you
for something deeper
© jmr/2009
-
talk to me
