countdown

aretha franklin – never loved a man

you spent

10 years wishing i would notice you

8 weeks breaking down my resolve

6 months telling me beautiful lies

4 minutes breaking my heart

i spent

2 years not seeing

there was nothing

to believe in

© jmr/2012

if you don’t believe me

to my now self re my ten years from now self

just make sure what you get
is worth what you give
up
in exchange

you’re the only one
you’ll answer to
when too many years to go back
go by

you’ll be left with the same truth
that is now

if you don’t believe me
lie to yourself
some more
and see what happens.

through love colored glasses

you say I see you through
love colored glasses
causing your beauty to increase exponentially
in direct proportion
to my feelings for you

that I don’t see you as you really are

in a “face only a mother could love”
kinda way
falsely amplifying your qualities
beyond who you have come to terms with being

that you are an ordinary man
nothing special
doing ordinary things
nothing particularly unique
or meaningful

that I see you like no one else does…

that’s a pretty intimate revelation
one that makes the hard candy shell of your exterior intensely vulnerable…

I wrote this to you the other day
I know you read it
Absorbed it

You responded silently with a sharp halt in wall building; punctuated by butterfly kisses on my forehead…

………..
my love,
I am thankful for you…
………..

you
are

a real man
whose word and deed
overflow with honesty
compassion
tenderness and strength

who is a reflection of
all that’s good in me
and an example
of all I wish to be

a good man
who loves without limit
teaches and shares his hard [L]earned wisdom

whose word is his bond

whose laughter
lights a room
(and my soul)
on fire

a man of vision
who stimulates my intellect
my dreams
my body

who keeps me grounded in the now
without ever letting me lose sight of
how far i’ve come
what I’m made of
and all that’s possible

who supports me
and tells me the truth
with respect and kindness
with[out] filters or fear

a man of humility
who thinks he’s just doing
what a man is supposed to do

but here is the truth.

YOU ARE FAR FROM AVERAGE
nothing short of extraordinary

your light shines brighter
than you can see

but I see…

and I know
just how lucky
I am

(c) jmr / 2011

and really… haven’t you always been here?

there is a thread that runs between us

forever binding us together

throughout time and space in

love

loss

life

death

heartache

survival

accomplishment

failure…

woven intricately

intersecting over and

over and

over

in hindsight

it’s a miracle

it took this long

in hindsight

it’s a miracle.

nothing is for nothing.

© jmr/2011

soak blue lines on freshly purchased notebook paper

i write you love letters every day…

in my mind… with my lips… with my pen… in my soul…
my thoughts blend together,

soak blue lines on freshly purchased notebook paper,

escape in whispers lifted away by the wind…

i feel you next to me always… your presence is always… present

i tell you all about my life, where I’ve been and all the why’s…

why I have such a hard time trusting
why you catch tears falling with no apparent cause
why I sometimes can’t look at you

why my jaw trembles during soft moments laying side by side
when you’re holding your heart out to me
in that almost shy way you do
why I want so badly to let go and believe that

You
Love
Me

© jmr/2011

know this beyond any shadow

bring me back to real and don’t let me change your course
with my fear

call me on it.

and know this
beyond any shadow

i can
i will

© jmr/2011

moments

with you…

i can have those moments
when i’m a mess
my walls are completely down
my heart is right there in the open
with nothing to protect me

and i look ugly with my red face and my swollen crying eyes

it’s in those moments
i know

if i raise my gaze
i will look into your eyes

and see nothing

but kindness

tenderness

and truth

© jmr/2011

chapters

i used to like my coffee sweet and cool, cream and sugar please… these days i like it black and raw. no more covering the taste with additives to trick myself into believing i’m doing something else.

maybe it started with the reflection in the mirror, one day waking up and realizing that i wasn’t only embarking on the other side of the years i had left, but that i had careened, blazed, feet first onto that path and i’d been there for years already. without ever appreciating my youth and vitality… lineless eyes and even toned skin… dreams that seemed to still be within reach as soon as i got my shit together… the luxury of time was spent like a $20 bill found in the pocket of a coat i had not worn in months… fast and foolishly and without regard to the day when i might need some loose change.

the “someday maybes” dissapated more quickly than i accumulated them… overnight it seems… and now, i’m faced only with my broken heart. my truth. and myself.

candy man

At first, she had a hard time listening without judgment as he told her all about himself and how he held onto her for so many years… instantly dismissing him with what she called common sense and realistic logic.  Yet there was something that drew her to him; something she couldn’t explain… deep within– she knew there was something extraordinary waiting to be discovered between them.

But it wasn’t until the first time they laid together; before they even touched… that she tasted the power of their connection.  She still couldn’t explain it; but she could feel it… rich and warm and enveloping her in an incredible sense of belonging right there… right then… with him…

And when she let him into her body, it was like she let him into her spirit…  the shock of his size, his weight heavy over her, the dreamy thick i-can-barely-breathe-this-air feeling…  all too much to take yet she could never get enough closeness like that…

All the stories she had locked away in her mind and her heart…  the ones that never took flight… that lost their momentum in the space between her mind and her fingertips as they held black ink filled cold silver…

They were really nothing more than vague recollections; dreams floating on the wind… merging together like moisture in a dark cloud, dumping tears like rain before dissolving to make way for the sun’s powerful rays…  

Like everything, there is a cycle to those stories… birth… life and finally death; maybe best laid to rest as memories of who she used to be – buried deep within the protective grasp of the same  little girl who kept the secrets to herself all those years… 

After all… the man he is can see them anyway…  holds his fingers steadfast around her own; keeping her secrets safe and her heart open to all that love can be.

© jmr/04.11

raw

you’re letting me love you
with my heart on my sleeve
and my eyes wide open

with honesty
and simplicity

in an
un-conventional
un.cookie.cutter’y
un-spectacular
yet

greatest love of all time
kinda way

hoping you can’t see
through to my soul
(and knowing you do)
(and amazed that you
still want to
even though
you see)
me

kinda way

laughing while making love
let’s inspire greatness in each other
thank you for parking in the driveway
kiss your eyelids while you’re sleeping

hand on my throat
heart in your hands

first and last thought
where’s my phone
in the morning

kinda way

through fear and doubt and
‘i.vowed.i.would.never.do.this.again’
i’m letting you love me too

cause baby,
this aint nothing like that
ever tried to be

© jmr/2010

you love me…

You love me
I suppose that’s enough for some
And analyzing the statement may appear senseless, critical, without right or provocation
Still I feel the need to decipher your definition

I think I know “you” are somewhere inside your skin
You’re yearning to be discovered
Like a Hollywood starlet waiting tables

You love me
I can assume that means you know everything about me
You feel my feelings, you live in my mind, you devour my soul
You want to reach inside yourself and display your guts to me
In your open hands

I can assume that means you wake in the morning to your first thought
Of me
And you lie in bed at night absorbed in thoughts
Of me
And you dream of the next time we’ll be together
In wake and sleep

Truth is… I do not know

I think of ways to reach you – to pull you out of your head
For two seconds
I say things to you without thinking and instantly wish
I had not spoken
Why is that?
Because I share what is deep inside of me
And you dwell on the surface

If I give you time will you meet me half way?
If I wait until you’re ready will it break us both?
What if you are who you are now
And there is no more
What if a lifetime of this… silence
Awaits me

jmr/2005

something inexplicably mine

you hold your heartbreak
close to your chest
even to the discerning eye
it’s nearly colorless

but to me

it’s vivid
brighter
than nature’s greens and blues
illuminated by the noon time sun

i see you
as a man
tall and strong
unbreakable

the young boy
you used to be
beneath the soft
deep brown
in your eyes

you contradict you

unintentionally
willingly
beautifully

there is something
inexplicably mine

within you

i am desperately
unable
to resist
either one of us
being this vulnerable

© jmr/2010

it just do

You are

Sexy
Delicious

Beautiful inside and out

(and I love your hands)
(and I love that smile)
(and I love when you lower your voice to tell me something good)
(and I love how it feels in your arms plus or minus fabric – catch my drift?)

smart

cool

I respect you

You make me laugh
And laugh
And laugh

Blush
Smile
Feel shy
Brazen

Bold

Sometimes you even make me cry but that’s ok

Cause it’s love love
Love

All the things that go together
Everything that don’t
And somehow when blended

It just do
It just do

jmr/2010

patchouli

This afternoon on my subway commute I noticed a couple, in their mid twenties – she was beautiful in an ethereal, slightly gothic, huge turquoise blue pools of Caribbean ocean water eyes, fair rosy cheeked with a sprinkling of freckles on each cheek kind of way – her hair was wild, curly and unkempt, dark brown; she wore knee long black leather flat heeled boots with buckles up each side, skinny black jeans, a hip length corduroy blazer, chic red retro eyeglasses that kept slipping to the tip of her nose, then back in place, and I’m fairly certain she smelled of patchouli.

I wasn’t close enough to know for sure, but I could just tell

He was a startling contrast – about thirty pounds overweight, long brown curly hair pushed behind his ears to keep the unwashed strands off his swollen face, pasty white hairless thick non muscular calves peeking out from the bottom of his off white cargo shorts… black t-shirt with some nondescript band name emblazoned across the front, the neckband stretched out from being worn too much…

But the contrast ended there.

They both wore thick platinum wedding bands on their left hands, and their interaction was of two brand new lovers, freshly pressed newlyweds who had only moments before stepped out of his cousin’s 1983 silver Honda civic (complete with soda cans tied to strings on the back bumper and “just married” in white spray paint all over the windows)…

Yet there was something “old” about the newness of their love…

The way he had his hands tangled in her hair and the way she nuzzled up to him without complaining about his hands being tangled in her hair… the way their arms were intertwined as they sat side by side, like they were trying in every way possible to get closer to each other, inside of each other…

The way she looked up at him as he spoke to her, how their laughter, as though on cue, rose and fell together, ending in a longing look into each other’s eyes, her right hand tracing the contours of his chin …

The way he spontaneously wrapped her up into his arms and held her tightly to him…

I found myself watching but trying not to be caught watching… 

All buttoned up in my black wool pea coat and sensible shoes, laptop bag at my feet, keys and wallet in hand, my eyes welling up with tears that refused to fall…

And I wondered…

Where was my love like that.

Where was my longing look,

my I love everything about you

my you’re so difficult, so complicated, so easy to get along with, so perfect, i-would-do-anything-to-get-closer-to-you-even-after-you-let-me-all-the-way-in

love like that

perhaps I missed it…

perhaps it isn’t in the cards for me

perhaps

I have it already

And I don’t even know

Perhaps I never will

jmr / 2010

home

it is this
bliss

uncommon to most

mostly

uncommon to me

that stops my heart
stuns me
mid gait

mid sentence

silences my resistance

i feel you
long afterward

you are

still

here

inside me
in

my bones

my muscles sore
my body weak

my soul yearning

for sweet relief
tender release

found only
in your embrace

your depth
your wisdom

you light my mind
on fire
you set my soul
free

i offer to you

anything i have

everything i am

all i ever will be

loving you

has brought me
full circle

i
am
home

© jmr/2010

evolution

Growing, changing, learning, evolving
Body, mind and soul merging
Into one

All that I’ve been, all that I am
Pieces that fit together perfectly

Don’t need to struggle to find
I already am who I am supposed to be
Strong, capable, empowered, healthy
Blessed and thankful

The world around me is beautiful
What I see, what I hear, smells, sensations, tastes
Taking in everything
Observing all

Preserving myself
Solid, vulnerable, open, unbreakable
I have everything I need
I love everything I am

In my reality I find peace

Everything I’ve been searching for

Is already within me.

jmr/2005

nature is my muse…

I arrive at my best conclusions when I’m hiking. Stories I’d like to write, things I’d like to try to learn… what I should have said, what I don’t regret, and what’s not too late to turn around.

Nature is my muse.

It’s not any particular season, scenery that I favor, or topographical challenge specifically. It’s all of those – independent of one another. It’s the fact that any one, if not combined with its counterparts would not work. The flavor would not be as rich – the physical impact on my body not as strenuous – the visual symphony not as awe inspiring – the experience not as memorable.

It is…

when my mind is racing and a lizard races across the path in front of me, stopping me in my tracks; that i am filled with wonder at a tiny living creature capable of halting my gait by just being…

when I am struggling to conquer an incline, my calf muscles burning, my entire body and intent focused only on finishing without stopping; that i am filled with a flood of accomplishment emotion at the top

when I realize how very small I am, in relation to the earth around me, that I feel humility and passion to protect all that is given to us without having to ask

when I press forward through the rain, dressed in inadequate gear for the weather, rain pelting my cheeks, wet clothes stuck to my body; that I feel human…

vulnerable

real

alive

And in between the influences on all five senses, I think…
I imagine…
Sometimes even embark upon the elusive sixth sense.

you are not the past

i am

 

drawing parallels

where there are

none

 

taking steps

to protect myself

where i don’t need to

you are not

the past

 

my fear is the only thing

standing between

us

 

step up

make me look myself

in the eyes

 

don’t let

me

go

 

© jmr / 2010

tell me

tell me again

tell me you love me

and over time
as I disclose more about who I am
and where I’ve been

tell me again
don’t let me avoid your eyes
tell me
until I believe

never let the words become
hollow
something uttered while making love
or ending a phone conversation
mechanical
out of obligation

as the years go by
and I grow older

don’t ever stop

always hold me tight
let me feel your strength
the honesty of your convictions
tell me it’s going to be alright

tell me again
© jmr / 2009

irrational needs

Sink your teeth into my skin

Show me how much you need me

 

Your vulnerability on your breath

As you exhale into my mouth

 

Rub me raw from the outside in

 

Masturbate my emotions

 

Your soul spilling from your lips

As you touch them to mine

 

 

© jmr / 2008