file this under l for “loss”; subtitled c for “can’t let go”

i am doused in restlessness
frustrated
at ‘theblock’ (damn the block!!!)
preventing

[my much taken for granted
normally comes so easily
.the.only.thing.i.truly.call.my.own.
that thing
that
saturates everything i am]

gift
curse
ability

to take chaos
and make order of it
translating my soul
into words
i know you’ll read
eventually

even though you’ll do it
under the guise of stealth
and never tell me so

this time…
i have not…
the energy
will
…

i guess i’m missing
the full body embrace
of acceptance
around the truth

i quite literally feel
as though
my heart will cave in
if i don’t say it

and so,
ugly and raw
here it is…

back to basics
without
elegance
or refinement:

i love you
still.

morethanieverknew.
waymorethanishould

more than you deserve
even on a good day
and i promise you

i cannot tell you why
i don’t understand it myself

but i can’t let go…

i breathe you in

like i am pressing an unwashed
plain white v neck tshirt
soaked with your scent
to my face

all day long

i can’t shake it

i.dream.you

without recollection of the particulars
and wake drenched
with sweat

this incredible sense of loss
when i wake enough to realize

you are not here/there

that hazy not quite reality state

even within that

ifeelyou…gone

i can’t close my eyes
without seeing you

can’t touch skin to skin
without longing for you

can’t keep going on this way

and yet…

i.can’t.hate.you
you.are.a.part.of.me

i promise you
i cannot tell you why
i don’t understand it myself

but i can’t let go…

©jmr/2010

equality

You’re not good enough for me.

Not the vulnerable “you’re not good enough for me” where I need someone to agree

Not the vindictive “you’re not good enough for me” where I’m trying to hurt you

Not the anthem “you’re not good enough for me” where I’m declaring my woman-worth

In the insecure in-between where I don’t yet believe it myself

But the truth I’ve always known in the back of my mind

I tried to ignore it
I hoped I was wrong
That it was because I was scared
Because I needed to learn how to trust
That I had too many past hurts
Causing me to color outside the lines
Of what was real

You’ve always known it, too

Looking back, I can see it crystal clear
Your discomfort whenever I got too close
To exposing your lack of confidence
To illuminating your imbalance
Simply by being myself

I gave, you took
I loved, you absorbed
I spread my wings, you did everything you could to clip them
You needed me so much more than I needed you

I was solid, you stood on sinking sand

©jmr/2009

the better answers

you fell in love with an idea
of who you thought
i was

who you thought
i could be

what you thought
i could offer

light blazing through
your dark

joy slicing through
your pain

maybe your ideas
were all real

maybe i am
the answer
to all your
questions

but maybe
the better answers
already lie within
your own heart

©jmr/2009

it is what it is (and was what it was)

it’s beautiful, to me
knowing i have been so high
and so low
and having my craft
to show for it
in chronological order

sometimes i think
about how so much has changed
what i once thought was everything
really wasn’t
anything
more than a whisper
of truth

lately, i’ve been toying
with the idea of
re-evaluating
everything
revising it
to match my current
reality

but

there are no rewrites
that could ever replace
the shine
of clearly defined
evolution

so

i will leave what was
as it is
and look forward, without shame
obligation or explanation
to the next chapter

©jmr/2009

safe and sound

you bring out the lady in me
the one with impeccable manners
who knows just what to say
at a dinner party

you bring out the child in me
the one who finds joy in a butterfly
who lays on the grass and decides what
clouds resemble

you bring out the animal in me
the one who straddles you
flat on your back and holds your hands
behind your head

you bring out the woman in me
the one who nurtures the man
she loves with sweetness, vulnerability
trust and honesty

you bring out the dreamer in me
the one who doesn’t understand
the meaning of can’t… and strives
to achieve everything

you humble me
with every touch
every word
every moment i can rest so easily within

even when we’re apart
i’m always in your arms
safe and sound

©jmr/2009

promises

you will protect me
and i will love you
you will teach me
to live in the moment
and i will accept
you just as you are

we will
forever
carry each other
never taking
too much
giving
without measure

you will hold my hand
and i will hold your heart
you will burrow deep
into my warm embrace
and i will give you every reason
to believe in me

we will
always
reach each other
without even
trying
love
without condition

you will show me
truth
and i will show you
understanding
we will show each other
what we’ve both been missing

you will tilt my head up
to show me the stars
and i will see

i will mirror their shine
every time i look at you

i am yours
©jmr/2009

i’ll get there

awkward
uncertain
insecure

you reduce me
to first day of second grade
nervous

it’s the way you see through me
it’s the way you hold the mirror
up for me to see
myself
for who i really am

it’s the way you appear
to be
exactly the same

you’re better
at trusting
than i am

but I’ll get there

©jmr/2009

my silence

there is stillness
within the moments
when you express
your deepest
truths

exposing what’s beneath
to the core
of who you are

i am not physically
near you
but i feel you

your warm breath
on my lips
your heart beat
against my skin
closeness
beyond
what words can explain

sometimes words
outloud
aren’t necessary

if you listen to me
like i listen to you
you will hear

©jmr/2009

what really is… again

 

an older one – republished (and renamed)

as i’m out of words

to say it any better

 

i opened my world to you

it was a bit reckless

to take it all at face value

 

i feel a bit foolish

now that i see

what really is

 

maybe i wanted

too desperately

to believe

in magic

 

© jmr / 2009

5… no, 6

i let you in
all the way
past all the walls
no one ever gets over

in the first five minutes

a whirlwind of
yes, me too, too much to be coincidence,
i can’t believe I found you
hips.lips.skin.souls.melting.together

resurrection of childhood dreams
of forever after
knights on white steeds
castles and slippers
long ago discarded

one month, two months, five months
i stand corrected;
six months
later

it all came crashing down

the time in between
should have softened desire
to be so close to you
to be so close to me

but that never happened

your call…
we travelled together
through a myriad of emotion
how did we get from
then
to
there
and now
to here

suddenly
you are human
no longer held up higher
than i could ever hope to reach

i’m at a loss

© jmr/2009